We’re Onto You, Teabaggers!

Hey, you fucking teabaggers. Yeah, I’m talking to you.

It’s time we had a shouting match. It’s time someone addressed you in exactly the same way you address everyone else. I’m here to scream “fuck you!”

FUCK. YOU. TEABAGGERS!

Here’s a newsflash for you teabaggers. The government doesn’t like you, either. Yeah, that’s right. The government doesn’t like you. And it doesn’t trust you, either, you sheepish Rethuglicans with your visions of a fascist theocratic state. Another newsflash: the government has never liked or trusted you. In fact, we all despise you. We laugh at you. Listen to this: ha ha ha.

Wait, there’s more.

I recently attended a tea party rally just to see the stoopid for myself. Here is what I learned.

And here, as far as I can tell, is where you asshole teabaggers stand on all the issues.

One day, on or about January 20, 2009, a bunch of imbeciles suddenly got very loud. Liberals woke up that day to find that the United States’ greatest enemy was not Osama bin Laden. It was you radical Christian jihadist-communist-fascist-socialist fucking teabaggers. Where the fuck were you born, anyway? Are you even American? Prove it, you fuckers. I want to see your birth certificates. And don’t give me any bullshit copies of your birth certificate. I have a laser printer, too. I want an original signed in ink by the doctor who delivered you. And he better still be alive because I intend to verify it. Otherwise, we will send you back to whatever backwoods, whitey hole-in-the-fucking-ground country you crawled out of.

You teabaggers think we’re not onto you. You have illegally entered this country and we can prove it. Where were you before 2009, huh? Where were you when we gave $1.6 trillion in tax cuts to the wealthiest people in the country by borrowing that money from China? Where were you when a trillion dollars was redirected to insurance companies for Medicare Advantage or when pharmaceutical companies were given a multi-trillion dollar subsidy through a brand new non-competitive Medicare prescription drug entitlement? Where were you when the deficit first hit a trillion dollars? Where were you when the national debt hit thirteen trillion dollars? Where were you when we found out that Walter Reed hospital was denying care to the veterans? Oh, you weren’t screaming in the streets then, now were you? Fuck no, because you weren’t even in this country! You were in France or England or Canada or Sweden or Germany or some other teabagging fucking pasty bastion of profligate indecency and boondocks stoopidity with some other dude’s sweaty, sperm-filled balls in your filthy goddamn mouths.

That’s why you call yourselves teabaggers, you foreign fucks! That’s why you gave yourself that obscene name! Even National Review, a conservative news magazine that calls the word “teabagger” the new N-word, admits it: “conservatives started it: started with this terminology.” You named yourself that. Your website, reteaparty.com, told its readers to “Tea Bag the Fools in D.C.” Reporter Griff Jenkins repeated the term on Fox News. And you have buttons, mugs, and t-shirts with the slogan “Proud Teabagger” on them. You even have boxers with “I Teabagged a Liberal: Tea Party 2009” on them! Oh no you did not, you fucking liars. No self-respecting liberal — straight or gay — would degrade himself by sticking his balls in your disgusting face-holes. That’s why you need Rent Boys, isn’t it? Hey, I like getting teabagged as much as the next dude, but not by your ilk. What a bunch of fucking degenerates you are! What happened to the decent, God-fearing people who used to have a voice in this nation? When was it overrun with perverts like you?

You illegally installed George W. Bush as president eight years ago even after he lost the popular vote. And what do we have to show for it? Cap-and-trade policies, bank and auto industry bailouts, and the world-shattering idea of stimulating the economy during a recession! You invented taxes to enslave liberals — who are statistically smarter and richer than you are — so that they would have to pay for your hordes of crotch monkeys because you people can’t stop fucking and having babies!

You’re against abortion and you pretend it’s because some dirty, stinking bronze-age tribesmen who lived in mortal fear of pigs wrote something about sperm in a confused book about giants and unicorns and four-footed birds and talking donkeys. Even you’re not that fucking stoopid! No, you just need to increase your numbers constantly because you need to make up in quantity for your defective IQs and depressed incomes when compared to normal, hardworking Americans, you dumbass redneck porch bunnies.

But we’re onto you. That’s why, whenever you have a president in office, we act like we don’t want you to lower taxes for the rich. That’s called “reverse psychology,” you fucking morons. And every single time, you fall for it! Every single motherfucking time, you lower taxes for the rich, meaning we liberals get to keep more of our money and you have to breed even more brainless fuck trophies to pay, decades down the road, for the Almas caviar I eat off the hood of my Lamborghini Reventon. I can’t wait to play that game all over again, you dumb fucks. All those years, your median income dropped and dropped while liberals’ income fucking skyrocketed. I say again: ha ha ha.

Hey, under Bush, the richest one percent of people in the country captured two-thirds of all the income growth while the rest of the country saw a net drop in income. That’s the tax policy you are, right now, screaming to bring back, you ignorant asshat teabaggers. That’s redistribution of wealth. Obama lowered taxes for as much as 99% of the country after he took office to try to rectify this situation, but you motherfucking scumbag socialist teabaggers just can’t live without your precious redistribution of wealth. What a bunch of scheming, un-American, dickwits you are!

And you need to stop living in the goddamn past. You’re screaming about bailouts now. Who is bailing out anyone today? Listen, in 2008 and 2009, the US government gave away billions of dollars in bailouts. That money went to failing financial institutions, the auto industry, and – fuck – everybody but you. Hell, I opened my own bank so I could get some of that money. Why didn’t you, you fucking slacker? Well, anyways, way back in September of 2008, before Obama took office, Glenn Back was just screaming for bailouts. He said on CNN Headline News, “the bailout is the right thing do.” In fact, his only problem with the bailout is that he wanted more. “The ‘REAL STORY’ is the $700 billion that you`re hearing about now is not only, I believe, necessary, it is also not nearly enough.” You can watch him say it live by clicking here since you obviously can’t fucking read. Sarah Palin was also all for the bailouts and also didn’t think the government was giving enough money away. Now you lying, foreign, asswipes want to act like it was someone else’s idea to give away trillions! We listened to you! That’s the last time anyone with an ounce of intelligence will listen to your imbecilic douchebaggery!

Now you ignorant fucktard teabaggers want to hold this nation hostage with your demands for all sorts of other stoopid shit. Well, fuck you! Fool us once, shame on us! We’re not biting. If you don’t like it, why don’t you go back to wherever the fuck you came from? I’ll hold the fucking door open for you.

You want more money in your pockets? What, you’re not making enough? Oh, boo fucking hoo. Hey, I have an idea: why don’t you stop having obese babies for a minute and get off your fat, lazy, hypocritical asses and actually earn more money? Huh? You say yourself that this is the land of opportunity. In a recent poll, you teabaggers said that “too much has been made of the problems facing black people.” In another recent poll, you teabaggers overwhelmingly said that “Blacks would be as well off as Whites if they just tried harder.” Fine. You want more money? Go get it. Go make more money. Try harder. Oh, I see. You don’t want to try harder. You think that only other people should try harder. Yeah, you obviously believe that you could get off your lazy, uneducated asses and earn more money if you only tried harder, but you prefer to whine like goddamn babies and parade around like assclowns holding misspelled signs rather than go out and fucking work. Oh, the government is responsible for fixing all of your problems? The government is your sugar daddy? Have you ever heard of good ol’ American self-reliance, you slothful fucking couch grazers? Hey, rich liberals aren’t complaining about taxes. We like roads and public colleges and funding for the arts and sciences. Liberals, homosexuals, atheists, we own the fucking colleges, arts, and sciences. What do you own? Liberals love paying taxes and we have more than enough money. Now why don’t you get off your fat, lazy asses, stop your fucking whining, and actually get the money you want so badly the way you tell others to get it? Try. Harder.

The funny thing is, in one of those polls, you teabaggers turned out to be above the Rethuglican median when it came to income and education. That shows just how low the Rethuglican waterline is, now doesn’t it? Liberals still make shitloads more than you do and get to keep more and more of it thanks to your stoopidity. Want some? Try. Harder.

Hey, the next time you have a rally in Arizona, I’m going to report every single imbecile that bothers to show up to the police. Thank you for the anti-immigrant law. Now show us your papers, you douchewads! You can’t, can you? Because you’re not American. Go back wherever the fuck you came from if you want to whine about paying for Medicare and Social Security and national defense and the FBI and interest on the national debt that you fuckers created and the trillion dollar unappropriated war that you assholes started. I didn’t create the national debt or start that war. And I can’t help it if you assholes kept giving me back more and more of my money.

So, here is my advice to you teabaggers. First, feel free to leave. We true Americans can do just fine without you. Second, if you don’t leave, try harder and maybe you won’t have so much to whine about.

That’s all I have to say to you asshole teabaggers. Except this. Fuck you. Try harder. And ha ha ha.

Oh, and all you fuckers except the teabaggers had better visit WorshipEngine. The end is near. Cram for the final.

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Great Stories of the Bible 4

Happy Easter everyone. I mean, everyone who is a Christian. Or Happy Pesach to you Jews out there. If you’re a Muslim, too bad you don’t have a holiday.

Because, for much of the world, today is a big-assed holiday, it’s time for another Great Story of the Bible. But this time, I’m going to take my great story from the New Testament.

In the past, I have only done Great Stories of the Bible from the Old Testament. That’s because the Old Testament is a collection of stories that don’t overlap all that much. There’s some overlap and plenty of plagiarism from other stories — Moses gets commandments from God twice in Exodus and then there’s a rerun of that episode in Deuteronomy just for good measure — but you can usually do a story from the Old Testament and not need to mention any other stories.

The New Testament is different. The New Testament is also a collection of stories but the four gospels overlap a lot. They are mainly plagiarized but inconsistent versions of the same stories. So, if I do a Great Story of the Bible from the New Testament, I need to do all the competing versions. And that sucks ass.

That said, I decided to do a New Testament story this time, lest you think I am not giving Jesus his stoogepious due.

Today’s Great Story of the Bible is the very short story of Jesus and the Fig Tree. The first version you will get is the version by the author of what we have named The Gospel According to Mark. There is no evidence that it was written by anyone named Mark. That’s just the name people gave the gospel after it was written. Let’s call the author Stanley. Assuming that Jesus was actually a historic figure, Stanley wrote his gospel at least a few decades after the death of Jesus and it’s been tampered with since then.  But Stanley’s is the earliest version of the fig story.

There is also no evidence that the Gospel According to Matthew was written by anybody named Matthew. Let’s call the author Eugene. Eugene wrote his gospel long after Stanley wrote his. In fact, Eugene’s gospel is based in part upon Stanley’s gospel, with some parts just outright plagiarized. But Eugene didn’t really understand where Stanley was going with the whole fig tree episode so Eugene kind of fucked it up.

You know, Stanley wasn’t writing about an actual miracle. Stanley’s fig tree story was a parable in which the fig tree is Israel, which will bear no more fruit due to its corruption. That’s why Stanley threw the whole temple episode into the middle of the story: it’s a literary device connecting the two stories. Well, Eugene didn’t get any of that.  Eugene may have been the first dumb-ass fundamentalist.  He took everything Stanley wrote seriously.  And, being a good Christian, he set an example for generations of future Christians by changing the facts in his Gospel to make the whole fig tree episode just a little more miraculous.

And that’s the end of the fig tree stories involving Jesus. The unknown author of the Gospel According to Luke, whom we’ll call Ethel, ignores it, even though, like Eugene, she uses Stanley’s gospel as source material. The unknown authors (it looks like there were more than one) of the Gospel According to John also never mention the fig tree story.

But Ethel does include a parable allegedly told by Jesus about a fig tree in the Gospel According to Luke. It appears in none of the other gospels.  Jesus, unfortunately, did not get a role in Ethel’s parable.  Rumor has it, Jesus fired his agent shortly thereafter.

So that’s it for stories about fig trees.

Now, what does all of this mean?

And that’s our bible lesson for today.  I hope you have all learned something valuable about Jesus on this highest of Christian holidays.

Yo, for those of you who haven’t gotten enough religion today, I have a great new website to share with you. It’s for people like you and I who would like to hedge our bets but really don’t want to waste a lot of our precious time worshipping. It’s called WorshipEngine. It harnesses the power of the internet to worship for you. Go check it out.

That’s all I have to say about Jesus and religion right now. Now be fruitful or something. But don’t multiply.

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Wings

So, yeah, I was gone for a long time. Did you miss me? Sorry about that.

I was busy getting into trouble. Did you ever do something and, even as you begin, you think that nothing good can come of it? Kind of sort of a little like this.

Anyways, I am fine. I haven’t yet gotten to read my email (or do anything else) so forgive me for not answering you. I know that my prolonged absence demands some kind of an explanation. Here is the very best I can muster.

That should answer all your questions. Now you know why stoogepie has no wings.

And, yeah, I got rid of a column so I could make the comics bigger.

Barring any calamities, I will have a lot more to say before the end of this month. But that’s all I have to say about wings.

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Post-Fucking-Xmas Comic

Christmas for me this year wasn’t all that different from last year. No Clown-Faced Girl for me. I’m thinking that Santa did visit some of you. Well, congratu-fucking-lations.

Here is my post-Xmas comic. It doesn’t really have a title. I was going to call it, “Santa Gets His Groove On.” But that sucks. So, let’s just call it, “Stoogepie’s Post-Fucking-Xmas Comic.” Merry Post-Fucking-Xmas.

This fucked up year will be over soon. Good riddance, 2009. Don’t let any anvils fall on your head on the way out. Also, fuck you 2009. You sucked ass.

Happy New Year and Happy New Decade. Stoogepiety is coming. Men: eat cake with your porn, shave your pubes, stop wearing underwear, and start treating pigs with the respect they deserve. Women: wear thigh-highs, find more revealing outfits with very short skirts, stop wearing underwear, and start treating pigs with the respect they deserve.

That’s all I have to say about the holidays for now.

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Porn for Chicks

A while ago, in her post on the Toy With Me website, Crissy had this idea about Porn for Chicks™.  It intrigued me.  I like porn and I like chicks.  And I like porn chicks.

It’s true that most non-porn chicks do not seem to like porn.  And by “porn,” I mean the porn that dudes like: dude porn.  As an example, if I wanted to create an awesome porn movie for dudes, I might hire, say, four hot sluts and fifty whatever dudes.  I might tell the sluts to skip the obligatory colon-cleaning enema before the shoot, and I would have the fifty dudes fuck the four women up the ass.  I would call this epic Shitty Shitty Ass Bang.  Voila!  Instant bestselling porn classic.

But chicks would not find this entertaining.  Only dudes would buy it.  I have no idea why.

And women don’t like those awesome sex moves you learn from porn, either.  Like, for instance, I have not yet met a woman who wants for you to lean over and spit on her asshole right before you fuck it.  Go figure.  Women are strange.

Anyways, my point is, Crissy is right: chicks do not like dude porn.

In my epic, Shitty Shitty Ass Bang, notice that I did not even try to come up with any plot.  Who cares?  I could just do it gonzo, with almost no plot at all: the fucking is the story.  Or, I could come up with some flimsy set-up and call it a plot.  In fact, it could end, just like Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, with a fudge recipe.  I am all about The Irony, peoples.

Women want a better story.  For men — admit it, dudes — Ron Jeremy epitomizes everything that is wonderful about porn.  He is pretty much a huge dick attached to a hair-covered Hot Pocket®.  One of those meatball and cheddar Hot Pockets® that fell behind the stove and got covered in grease and hair and who knows what the fuck else.  Dudes think, “But look at that dick coming out of it! And that Hot Pocket® sure knows how to use that dick, too!”

But women want a story.  Why is that slut fucking a hairy, greasy Hot Pocket®?

That’s why Crissy and I got together to create Porn for Chicks™: porn that has the story women want but also has the fucking that men want.  Our first efforts to storyboard our ideas follow.  We used the stories from timeless literary classics — Chick Lit — and stayed utterly true to those storylines.  But we also provided the sordid details left out by the censors.

So, you know, go over to Crissy’s or to her latest Toy With Me post and let us know which of these ideas you like best.  Crissy has some time off around Crissymas or something so we plan on shooting one of these straight to video then.  Or something.  But don’t even bother telling me which one you like unless you’re ready to either fork out twenty bucks for the DVD or, you know, accept a leading role or something.

That’s all I have to say about Porn for Chicks™ right now.  We are going to start producing these right away, so place your orders now.

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